"Tonight lets be lovers but tomorrow lets go back to being friends.."

Sing it Dave...or not. FUCKING CHRIST. I've done it again and I should probably wait to write this entry when I am more rational and less infuriated, but I just got YET ANOTHER im from a certain SOMEONE who keeps bugging me to update, so here I go...

I keep writing mental entries, just don't put them here because of the phenomenon that I discussed with Liz earlier; either I get to lazy to actually post them here, think about it later and realize how meaningless the thoughts actually were (which this is going to be I'm sure) or just don't have much of interest to say. I wanted to write about the recent trip to Cancun (which let me just say was kickass - beaches, booze and boys - that's all I have to say) but then so much time had passed and there wasn't a point anymore. There's been a lot of thoughts like that of the recent updates of my life...but then schoolwork started to pile up and...well you all know how that goes.

BUT NOW I'm writing with a newfound fury ("Greeeat..." you're all thinking). I constantly find myself in these cycles where I let myself go for weeks, even months, without questioning my singleness and go about my daily ways being strong, invincible - being woman. Then finally when I think I've found a nice boy and start to get all attached - and even though there's no real reason to I get all psycho about it in my head and even start envisioning future walks along the monuments in Spring, times we'll share together in the Summer, formal events we'll go to.

Mind you this is all before we've even really had a true conversation. Yeah...psycho I know.

And then I wonder why I get so devasted when things don't work out just how I'd like them to. Seriously though, what is so wrong with me that the perfect someone hasn't come to sweep me off my feet. Not even that...where have all the normal boys gone? (to the tune of Paula Cole's Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?)

Ok, this is turning into a pity fest - not what I wanted. I just wanted to be fucking honest and real and open for once.

I want to find the better part of me and somewhere in my head I still have that fucked up notion that I have to have my better half to do that. I've been trying to fight all those notions for the past year or so with all that feminist bullshit that they used to sling at us, but I sware that somehow it's ingrained in our fucking DNA.

There's no real reason why I need someone else to make me happy; most days I don't even give it a second thought but then events like Semi's and Formals come along and it just becomes so apparent how single I am. I hate that - the feeling of being single, alone and feeling bad for it. There's no real reason why I should either, but I always do - we all do whether we like to admit it or not. And I'm not going to blame it on "the greater society" or the "patriarchial system" that I was raised in. I could change those cognitive processes I suppose but it's just so much easier said than done.

You know like that girl from the Real World? The one that has always been "that girl" - never single, always jumping from guy to guy....DEFINITELY not me. Not that I'd want to be "that girl" either...I'm just saying...oh fuck I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

I suppose I'm just going back to that eternal question of why. Why is it that some of the ugliest girls can snatch up mates when...well you can put the rest together....

(Less pathetic entries to come in the future I promise.)