Darling, give me your absence tonight / Take the shade from the canvas and leave me the white / Let me sink in the silence that echoes inside / And don't bother leaving the light on / 'Cuz I suddenly feel like a different person / From the roots of my soul come a gentle coercion / And I ran my hand o'er a strange inversion / A vacancy that just did not belong / The child is gone...

Fiona Apple

It's been a long day - a long wkend it would seem and it's only Saturday. Already I've gotten absolutely nothing really done, I just realized I'm doing shitty and one of my classes (one I SHOULD be doing quite well in) and still, no motivation is springing forth.

I get in these moods, like earlier today, when I feel like I'm on top of the world. Like there is just everything out there for me to sieze and conquer if you will. I am just empowered with the sense that there is just massive amounts of possibilities for my future life and so much that I have yet to learn.

That mood usually cycles back to immense feelings of being overwhelmed by the vast unknown out there. I feel like yes, there is so much that I want to do - so many things I want to read, and write, and listen to and yet if I can't even find the time to do that right now, telling myself that later on I'll get around to it is pretty unlikely.

It makes me want to just close off to the world - to take a hiatus - a break from life. Throw away all the relationships and aquaintances and false, fucked up, potentially detrimental encounters and just stew in my self-improvement and aquisition of knowledge for a while. Most times these moments pass quickly and fade to be filled with low-quality, mostly unfufulling forms of debauchery, which seem so worth it at the time yet only make me feel guilty in the end.

I don't know what I'm saying - and this entry is becoming like one of those vague, psuedo-intellectual/insightful pieces that I hate. Although, I'm sure that most of these sentiments are being caused by the winding down of the night, the pile of work that lays ahead of me, the lack of contact with a certain someone, the bleek future of this semester's grades, and/or the upsetting nature of some around me. This moment too shall pass, into something greater and more productive I hope - but right now I'd just like to fade into the background and watch the scenery.

...pause for thought...

NO - actually I'D like to throw a fucking tantrum for once. Not just ranting to no one on the internet, but a full-out, show-stopping fit for everyone to see and pay attention to. I want to become irrational and have someone take care of me.

But that would just be too much effort and isn't something that I'd really want to invest in...not really me...

(The cycle completes itself once again.)

*sigh* How about I try getting back to all that work that I've been avoiding...