Here's another speech you wish I'd swallow...

You know what it is really? I find myself becoming more and more anxious about my future career and where my nursing path will take me. No, it's not that I'm reconsidering my decision to become a nurse practitioner, or finding a job once I've graduated, or even knowing where my interests lie. But rather, I wondering if I'm missing where my weaknesses are and where my strong skills lie in the quest to push forward along the original path.

And I went crazy again today, looking for a strand to climb. Looking for a little hope
I work at a job where my basic function is to relate to other people and discuss with them their fears, desires, anxieties, and significant life events. It's a bit more involved then most customer service jobs, although overall the general focus of the work is on meeting the needs of the client. And overall I feel that I'm quite good at the work I'm required to perform. I've been able to gain a lot of experience over the past four years from working in this particular setting, but it also comes from my open, perky (yes, I'm often referred to as "perky" at work) nature and willingness to please and reach out to others. I can relate well to most of the clients that I come in contact with, and can talk to them about some of their most private thoughts will offering some substantial feedback and humor to lighten their day.

Well, why is it then that I can't always achieve this in my personal and/or romantic relationships? What changes in this scenario that makes it so difficult for me to form that connection in which bounds don't hold back myself and others from sharing information. I'm sure that some of it comes from the fact that at work, the relationships I have with others is mainly one-sided; they share their personal thoughts and feelings with me, while I mainly observe and provide input and deflect back to them without disclosing much personal matter about myself. But why then can't I elict the same confidence and closeness at least with others in my personal life? Is it related to some blindness or inability to recognize my flaws in relating to others and performing as I believe I am at work? Surely if I am able to do this with people I've met an hour ago, these skills should extend to those I've known for much longer.

I've never really investigated this at much length, and generally don't ask the clients if they felt they were able to "interact well" with me. And while I've pondered the idea of eventually starting a private practice and mainly offering therapy to clients, aren't I truely petrified of being alone in a room with someone who is expecting so much of me? Someone who expects me to work them through their issues and concerns and provide concrete solutions through a theraputic relationship. Could I actually do that for the rest of my life, and then come home and try to make sure that in my care for others I'm not leaving my own family by the wayside?

Most of these questions are too big for me to answer all at one time. While I'm hoping all the answers will just come to be like solutions from a dream, I'm sure it will take more of a substantial process to get to the root of each issue. I just want to be good at what I eventually do - great even. I don't want to just get by and pass through every day hoping that people won't figure out that I have no idea what I'm doing. I also want this to extend to my relationships with others and hopefully through more experience and exploration with others these things will work themselves out. For now though, I should probably leave some of the heavy thinking to the side and "just be".

Please forgive me for my distance
The pain is evident in my existance
Please forgive me for my distance
The shame is manifest in my resistance