I can't help but wonder, what will it take for me to completely just let go. In conversation the other night I tried to explain the situation with the rationale that after a certain part of me has been so tightly wound for the past 22 years, that it's difficult to just let all of that unravel at once.

It's just that, for the first time in a while I really feel like it could all be different. Probably too early to really tell for sure, but I want things to be different, I want that part of me to come undone and allow me to be as expressive as I fantasize myself as being.

Sure, I can see progress in this past year - changing that very timid and unsure part of me to a more assertive role - but it's just taking so long. I want it to be more like an explosion. Was I so badly burned in the past that I just can't release all the anger and hurt and just accept what I have standing in front of me?

For once, I actually have someone who is so willing to let me into his life and be there for me, and yet I'm still so reluctant and unsure of what his intentions might be. Logically I know exactly what he wants, as he's told me and reassured me of what he thinks and feels, yet somehow, I can't translate that to my confused emotional side.

Or maybe, it's just that I've been watching too much Sex in the City and reading too much Cosmo, and not spending enough time in the real world...